Thursday, March 06, 2008

Roads not taken

I'm mourning the loss of a dream this week, the dream of celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary with the person I married, had children with, and worked out life's problems with. That anniversary would be this week, if I were still married to him.

It was a fantasy, not even an achievable dream, because I loaded it up with the fantasized resolution of every family relationship I have: I would be reconciled with my parents, who would show their love and appreciation of me and be proud; I would have a close relationship with my birth family; my children would be happy, healthy, and on the way to success in their lives. The problem with this fantasy was that it was mostly out of my hands. I can't control how my family reacts to me; it isn't even true to say that if I'd done exactly as they wanted, they would react the way I imagined, and I'm nowhere near willing to do as they wanted.

And that's leaving aside the problem of staying married to my first husband, which again was partly out of my hands. I chose to leave that marriage, to petition for divorce and end the legal relationship, but the social and emotional connection was already long gone.

I might yet celebrate a 25th anniversary with my current husband, but it won't be the fulfillment of this fantasy from my youth: my mother is dead, my father and I haven't spoken in years, and the family I grew up with (excepting my brother and sister) no longer seem so desirable as they did when I was a young adult. So I mourn the dream I had, which would not have made me happy even had I achieved it.

1 comment:

Mark Jones said...

I'm so sorry you weren't able to achieve that dream, sweetie. Still, I plan to be there for OUR 25th anniversary. I love you.